RELATIONSHIPS
OLD PATTERNS
COMMUNICATION
IT'S NOT ME ITS MY PARTNER
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
COUPLE COUNSELLING
OLD PATTERNS
When we fall in love and get close to someone this can trigger all sorts of memories and learned patterns from our childhood. We can suddenly find ourselves playing out the same sort of arguments that our parents had. Or we may find that our partner seems to be becoming like our father/mother and we are playing out a familiar childhood role. Most of the time we are a rational adult, fun to be with, caring and supportive, but for some reason we seem to behave differently with our partner. Or maybe its the other way round. Our fun, caring, loving partner seems to have turned into a someone else, someone we don't like.Our relationship with our partner is likely to be charged with emotion. We have such high hopes, so much invested in it that when things start to go wrong its easy to become very emotional very quickly. Small things trigger bursts of anger or despair. A counsellor can help you to explore what's really going on in a calm unbiased environment. As you gain a better understanding of the relationship dynamics you are able to make choices about how to move forward. Do you want to make changes in your behaviour, do you need to make your needs clearer to your partner, have you been letting your partner get away with unacceptable behaviour, do you need to draw a line in the sand, do you want to end the relationship or stay and make it work?
COMMUNICATION
Communciation can be a major problem in relationships of all sorts. We think we all speak the same language, but in fact we all use language in different ways. What you say may not be what someone else hears. You can blame them for this if you want to, but that isn't actually going to help you. By learning to use language differently you may be able to break some of the negative patterns in your relationship. Learning your partners language and be fun and suprising.For example, how do you react when your partner says something you don't like? If you say 'you make me so angry' this will probably be experianced as an attack. Your partner will become defensive, making further useful communication unlikely. However, if you say 'when you say that I find that I feel angry' this allows the possibilty for your partner to hear how you feel and respond to that in a postiive way. Sometimes small changes in language can allow couples to communicate better than they have done for years.
Another problem with communciation can be that people don't really listen to each other. You may think you are listening to your partner, but you may not be hearing what they are actually saying. We have a tendancy to filter what we hear, so we hear what we expect to hear, or what we want to hear. This means that you may have been telling your partner how you feel about the relationship for years, but they have never actually heard what you've said. For example they think that you have been saying that they are lazy and never do enough, when you have actually been saying that you can't cope and desperately need their help. This is one reason why a partner announcing they are leaving can feel like a bolt out of the blue to the other person, when in fact they have had continuous warnings over months or years.
So learning to actually listen to your parnter is a great skill to develop. This involves not just hearing what they are saying, but making sure that they also feel heard. Improving your communication skills won't solve all relationship problems, but it is amazing what a difference it can make. It can also help you with other relationships too. You can learn skills from a book, but a counsellor can also be useful in helping you to explore how you use language and allowing you to experiment with using it differently in a safe environment.
IT'S NOT ME IT'S MY PARTNER
You may feel that the problems in your relationship are all your partners fault and not yours. If this is really true then I would want to explore with you why you are still in that relationship. Of course in some cases you will find yourself in a very difficult position, perhaps your partner is an alcoholic or addicted to gambling. In such circumstance counselling may focus more on whether or not you want to stay in the relationship and if you do, how you can live your own life and not be dragged down by your partner. In such cases setting and maintaining boundaries will be very important. Or you may want to leave but be afraid to do so. Counselling may then focus more on supporting you in making the decision and helping you to consider different options.In most cases both partners will be playing some part in perpetuating the problem. Your partner's annoying behaviour may be triggered by something you do but are unaware of. Often we have a familiar 'dance' that we do with our partners. He says that then she says this and so on - a familiar script. Sometimes one of you breaking the pattern, trying a different step, or throwing out the script can be enough to trigger genuine communciation and permenant change. Counselling can help you to understand how you contribute to perpetuating the dance. If you want your relationship to last then it is sometimes worth making the first move, even if you feel it should be your partners responsibility.
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
If you find it difficult to make friends and form relationships generally then counselling can be enormously helpful. By exploring how you interact with people and how this makes you feel you can gain a better understanding of what is stopping you from having relationships. As understanding grows you usually find that you have more choices and you will be able to start making progress towards better relationships. This may be a combination of working through some issues from the past that are still affecting you (e.g. bullying, abandonment, abuse etc.) and learning new skills (e.g. communication skills).COUPLE COUNSELLING
Please note that I do not work with couples. You can do a lot of work on your relationship through individual therapy. Individual therapy will be focused on you, on understanding you, on working out what is best for you. In couple therapy your therapist will support you in resolving your relationship as a couple. This can also be very helpful. Sometimes it is useful to have individual therapy at the same time as couple counselling. This gives you somewhere to explore things in a way that you might not feel comfortable doing in front of your partner. It also allows more time for you, as time in couple therapy is shared.If you are looking for couple counselling you could try the following:
